I feel I have been remiss in examining some of the more obvious anthropoligical elements of British Culture, and since the best way to do research- or at least the way best way to do research while lying on your stomach eating cheese doodles- is to partake of a major media endemic to the group being observed. So I watched television. AND NO "DIAGNOSIS MURDER," which instantly made Brit programing preferable to the imported American variety. Apparently, all the GOOD programs from the States can only be viewed on pay channels! The nerve! I don't want to pay for cable, but dammit, I expect it!
Anyway, the evening started with a celebrity episode of The Weakest Link, which is of course an original Brit program. They were all in bizzare costmes... With the exception of the squirrel- I think. but then I don't know what he usually wears. Warwick Davis- he played Wicket the Warrior in Star Wars VI and he was in Willow as the titular character... heh... titular- was dressed as a jester, and was the only person I had an inkling of. But then I'm not British, and this was Celebrity Weakest Link. BOTTOM OF THE BARREL. Anyway, I hate The Weakest Link in any form so I jumped channels alot during this show. When I came back they were down to the final two- a large man dressed as- well I'm not sure as what but it was a lime green dress and he wore a picnic basket headress- and called "Biggins" and a squirrel puppet named "Basil Brushtail". The squirrel won. I was quite pleased, as squirrel puppets are a significantly under represented minority among gameshow winners.
Then came a program about the patron saints of Ireland and The United Kingdom. This was actually quite informative, and St. David of Wales- or more accurately St. Dewi of Cymru- is now my favorite saint. Also, St. Patrick was a serious downer. The world's gonna end?!? Dude, not before I finish this green beer! St. Andrew- absolutely nothing to do with Scotland other than his irrational and anachronistic love of golf. St. George- apparently NOT ENGLISH. Next they'll be telling us that Jesus wasn't a white guy!
Then appeared before me a shining jewel. Yes, it was reality television, but it was also one long joke at the expense of the participants. This voyuerism is the next best thing to actually trapping twelve people in a shed and telling them they're in a submarine on it's way to investigate the city of Atlantis. That's right, it was Space Cadets. 12 gullible saps with only a very rudimentary understanding of, say, basic physics. They've been told they're training to be the 1st British astronauts in space and that they are CURRENTLY in Russia. They're actually in Ipswich, which is a fair bit of distance from our Ruskie friends. They recieved lessons in important space history, and especially learning about Minsky, a space monkey so decorated that Minsk was named after her. They also learned that they would not experience the weightlessness on the shuttle because of the three anti-gravity generators employed on the ship. Obviously. Beautiful quote from Billy- "I know I'm never gonna be a rocket scientist... or a brain surgeon... But I wanna be an astronaut." Billy was having a bit of trouble with his homework. He was fairly certain he was going to be able to push the right buttons, and also fairly certain they had fail safes for any crew screw ups. I tell you what, put that guy in MY pod.
Then came a TOTAL RIP OFF of VH1 Bands Reunited. Except it wasn't any one band, it was several bands and the host wanted to create a new "festive number one" for the UK charts. It was pretty cute and the host reminded on my friend Drew so I found him realtively non-threatening. (Side Note: I've been meaning to comment on this. There are A LOT of English Dopplegangers for you folks at home. I live just down the hall from Bizzaro Rebecca, who is technically my sister's friend. Also there was a girl in Evans that could have been Sarah Larson with an English accent, but her mum was rubbish so that resettled the universe for me. But A LOT of English men remind me of Drew. This never happened back in the States, except when I would see one of Jennie's sisters and get all discombobulated for a few seconds.) Anyway, the tune they did was pretty good. Maybe it will even be number one, but I wouldn't bet on it since The Crazy Frog is releasing a version of Jingle Bells. That manic little frog with his tiny blurred out willie... Why even paint one in if you're just gonna blur it out?
So yes, at that point I decided I had watched more than enough telly, switched it off, and came back to my room to write this. Which I did. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
